Back to Work Today

I feel rested and I'm heading back to work today. I'll rest intermittently as needed. This time after my 5th chemo I took a full week off, opting to cancel my group for one week. Having the extra day to take it easy really seemed to help.

I continue to feel grateful and blessed to have the many people who are wishing me well, sending me prayers of healing. ...And I only have one chemo treatment left!

I do find re-entering the work world and world of normal responsibilities a bit daunting after I've had a week to tend only to me. It's a necessary but somewhat odd feeling to be so totally focused on my own survival and well-being.

I both welcome and dread each re-entry into the "real world." (Right now dread is primary!) In the real world my colleagues are doing adventurous things, my 85-year-old father-in-law has cancer, one niece is happily pregnant and another is busy being a camp counselor in the Northeast, friends and family are living their lives expansively -- being creative, connecting with others. I both long for and cringe at the thought of nudging myself back into the challenges of taking on risks, expanding my life again. For so long, my life has shrunk in order for me to put my health first. My own creativity and expansion have been on a back burner. Now I'm beginning to contemplate bringing those parts of me back into action. Yes, I feel longing and dread. Anticipation and fear...

And what I long for most is to go on a vacation, to play and relax -- to see the ocean and bask in the sun with warm sea breezes wafting over me!