Still Doing Pretty Well

I'm still feeling pretty good. I'll take it easy today, meditate and rest, enjoy the overcast skies.

Yesterday I ate a cheeseburger -- what is the world coming to?! :-) I figure it will be good for my red blood count.

So Far, So Good

It's Monday morning and so far I'm feeling pretty good -- much better than usual at this point post-chemo treatment. I just finished meditating and am feeling at peace with the world. I'll take it easy today.

Wishing you a good day, everyone!

What a Treat!

This morning I got up at 6:30, feeling I had the chutzpah to head to the kitchen and take those Prednisone pills. (Do it now before I have time to think!) I assembled all my pills and everything else I needed and then looked out the kitchen window. One of the fledgling screech owls was sitting in the birdbath looking fluffy and cute!

I hollered to Dan who was still in bed. He jumped up to join me and we watched as first one owl, then another (also a fledgling), and finally papa and mama owl all took baths. It was wonderful. At one point 3 owls were all within easy eyeshot -- one in the bath and two perched nearby on a huge and gnarly ash juniper root. (I call it "the Root of Medusa.") We stood watching with our binoculars for 20 minutes, feeling so privileged that these owls feel comfortable and happy in our yard, with our birdbath, and with two eager, benign spectators. We have lots of fun speculating what the owls are thinking, totally allowing ourselves to anthropomorphize them to our hearts' content!

What a lovely start to the day!

Chemo Day -- Things I'm Grateful For

5 things I'm grateful for:

1) that I get to wear my CLOTHES during the chemo treatment! (A medical procedure where you get to wear your clothes is so much better than the ones where you have to wear that flimsy little gown!)

2) that the oncology center is so close to where I live

3) that Dan will be with me

4) that I'll see Susie today, a wonderful volunteer who's a survivor

5) that I have people who love me who are rooting for me in all this.

...Time to go!

Tomorrow - Chemo # 5

I'm about to leave my office now. I'm done with my workday. Tomorrow I'll have chemo #5. I'm shutting down my work life for a week, putting a new outgoing voicemail message on the machine, giving the plants a good watering, making sure my paperwork is up-to-date -- doing the things I'd be doing if I were going on vacation. But it's not a vacation. As of tomorrow I'll be surrendering my body to the processes that await me for the next several days. I dread it but know it's necessary.

Better Now

It's Tuesday and I'm at work. Last night I had the best night's sleep I've had in quite a while. I'm low on stamina and energy, but feel so much better than the last few days. My breathing is good and I have no fever. I'll be able to work a full day today.

I've gotten loving cards and calls and an upcoming gift of a massage from IR. So nice.

Today after work I'll go home to watch "The Last Picture Show" with Dan.

I Wish I Had Better News to Report

I wish I could say I'm bouncing back, regaining my energy and strength since starting the antibiotic regimen for my pneumonia. But the truth is I'm still weak and exhausted and have a chronic dry cough along with occasional difficulty breathing throughout the day or night. It's most troublesome at night when I'm awakened by shortness of breath and the feeling that my lungs just won't/can't fill. ...Last night I tried something that was time-consuming but seemed to help. When the breathing problem woke me, I got up, drank a lot of water, and sat upright until my breathing became more regular. It took about an hour and then I was able to get back to sleep, in a semi-upright position. It scares me when this happens. And at the same time, I want to do everything within my power to stay out of the emergency room. The emergency room scares me too.

I'll definitely tell Dr. S about these problems when I see him next Thursday.

There are some things that are bringing me pleasure in all this physical mahem. Last weekend I found a book at Barnes & Noble in their "Diseases" section (!), entitled, Home Before Dark. It's a memoir by a psychologist, David Treadway, and his wife and two sons. It's the story of Treadway's successful battle with non-Hodgkins lymphoma, as told by Treadway himself and the three other members of his family. He started out with a horrible prognosis (death), but was successfully treated and is now a survivor 5 years later. It's extremely comforting to me to read about his and his family's experiences over the many months of his diagnosis, treatment, and recovery. I find myself relating easily to many of the things he reports ...including it being 80 degrees outside and him being bundled up in a woolen nightshirt and heavy robe, trying to stay warm! It's also encouraging to me that he underwent one of the same chemotherapy cocktails that I'm doing -- R-CHOP. The drug Rituxin was new back then and found to be very effective in people who could tolerate it. Rituxin is part of my regimen.

The other happy news is that our screech owls made a return visit to our back yard this morning! First Dan spotted 2 of the fledglings in a tree, looking very young, fluffy, and cute. I got out of bed to grab the binoculars and get a good look. Then the mama owl came and took a lengthy bath in the birdbath! That's the best because we can get a very good look at the whole owl, complete with her expression as she sees us peering at her from inside the house. A joyful time for us indeed!

I'm So Happy!

I just took my temperature. It's 98.6!!! This means I won't have to go to the oncology center and spend the afternoon getting an IV of fluids. Yay!

Fever, Pneumonia, and the Emergency Room

Yesterday morning I woke up feeling headachy. I didn't feel good and didn't want to go to work, but I had a full day of clients scheduled and hated the idea of calling everyone to cancel their appointments. I took some Tylenol and was feeling better within the hour. I was able to work the full day but was really ready to come home and rest once the last client was out the door. I felt shivery and shaky when I left the office.

In the evening, Dan noticed that I was flushed and we took my temperature -- 103.3 degrees. I did NOT want to go to the hospital, but that is exactly what the oncologist on call said I needed to do. We went to Seton ER, I got some tests including a chest X-ray, and I had some fluids pumped into me. It turns out I have pneumonia in my right lung. I was given an intravenous antibiotic and a prescription for more.

We got home around 2:00 a.m., exhausted but so glad I didn't have to stay overnight in the hospital.

In the middle of the night I got up to go to the bathroom, then came back to bed and just couldn't get warm enough. I had plenty of covers on, but began shivering and shaking uncontrollably. I kept trying to will myself to make the shivering stop, counting each breath I could go without shivering. I created an affirmation for myself: "I am warm, comfortable, and calm." I mentally recited it over and over, waiting for the shaking to subside. For about 20 minutes I shuddered and shook, and eventually fell back asleep.

This morning -- not good news. We took my temperature when I woke up -- 103.6 degrees. Right now we have a call in to the oncologist's office, waiting to see what they recommend. Of course, my very strong preference is to stay out of the hospital and just do a lot of resting at home. And I began doing what I can to reduce my fever on my own -- drinking water and a smoothie I made of strawberries and a banana. I want to do what's within my control to improve my condition and reduce my fever. ...And just 10 minutes ago I took my temperature again. This time it was 100 degrees. A real improvement!

Learning by Trial and Error

Yesterday started out well -- Dan and I decided to go on the Austin Pond Society tour and we visited several homes with ponds of varying sizes. I was so ready to do something fun! I knew I was a little weak and also that I would not be able to tolerate wearing my wig, so I wore a scarf tied around my head gypsy-style. The day was hot and it wasn't long before I was feeling fatigued. We kept pushing on to visit more ponds but by the last one, I stayed in the air-conditioned car while Dan toured the pond. Once we got home I went immediately to bed, plagued by unremitting nausea. I realize in hindsight that I overdid it. It was just too much exertion and heat, too hard to stay hydrated and cool.

After yesterday's experience I vowed that today I would just rest. And thankfully, that's been working. I feel better. Lots of lying in bed, some reading and some dozing off into pleasant little naps. ...I've started reading Sarah Silverman's autobiography, The Bedwetter. It's a fast read -- sometimes funny, sometimes alarming, just the thing to get my mind on something entertaining and distracting.

I also have been listening to Marion Woodman (Jungian analyst) on tape, talking about her cancer experiences. Her first oncologist insisted she only had 2 months to live. Having a much more positive attitude herself, she asked him if he would be happy to see her sitting before him in 6 months. He said "No," and she promptly fired him! Good decision! And what a great example of how to take a proactive approach to her own medical care.

Hair Joy

Today was another rough day -- hard to eat, stave off the nausea, and maintain energy for my short work day. At times I felt I was hanging by a thread. But in the midst of this were a couple of bright spots. Two people I hadn't seen in months were very enthusiastic about my "hair," saying the new cut was very becoming. (If they only knew!) I was physically feeling awful at the time but their compliments brought my spirits up, took me momentarily out of my malaise, and allowed me to feel normal and attractive instead of like a bald-headed zombie.

Along these lines, I continue to treasure the words of encouragement from friends and family. I may be feeing physically weak, headachy, and nauseated, and then hearing a cheering voice on my voicemail or receiving an encouraging email or blog comment lifts me up. I'm able to hold on to these words and they help keep me going.

Tonight I really wanted to go out with Dan, so after doing everything I knew to take care of my nausea, we went to dinner. I wore my longer bob-style wig -- the one that turns me into "Regina," a persona we're playfully developing over time. We had a nice dinner. After we came home I immediately took off "Regina" and, as Dan said, I became "Yul Brynner" again. I laughed. Yes, sometimes I am Yul Brynner.

I Made It!

I made it through the day. Got to work mid-afternoon, saw one client, and then ran my group. I feel awful and wonderful at once! I can go home happy.

Feeling Weak

I slept well last night and thought I would have more energy today but I feel very weak. Lost a bit more weight. I'm drinking Ensure (high protein drink) to do my best to get my weight back up. I may drink it all day.

Dan and I watched a few episodes of "Mad Men" last night. ...Our owls are long gone -- off into the wild blue yonder. We miss them.

Last night's storm was dramatic and fun. Lots of thunder and lightning. It's still raining gently now. ...I'm ready for some sun. Am hoping to be able to make it in to work later today. Not sure yet if I will. Ensure, do your work!

I'm Okay

I'm hanging in there. Thank you, dear ones, for all your healing wishes. I'll rest more today, then plan to head back for light days of work on Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday.

I still have lessons I want to learn from all this -- in particular that there are some things I just can't control. I want to make peace with that while not giving up.

Back to bed for now.

Recovering

Today I feel better. Not much energy, but overall, I'm significantly better than yesterday and Saturday. I'll rest and do small chores.

Took the last of the Prednisone (until next round of chemo). Yay!

Ugh -- It's Back

The nausea and complete exhaustion are back. ...I just took my Prednisone and I'm keeping it down! I feel proud of myself.

Now, back to bed.

New Good "Food"

It's Friday morning and I'm a little shaky, but I slept well. Profuse sweating during the night which is unusual for me. It didn't really bother me because I was able to sleep soundly. I'd wake up briefly, notice I was sweating, feel a little wave of chill, then quickly fall back asleep.

Yesterday I received in the mail something I'd ordered and was happy to get: some CD's from Sounds True about people's cancer stories and cancer lessons. It's called "Cancer as a Turning Point: From Surviving to Thriving." The CD's have 9 different speakers, including survivors, healers, analysts, and story tellers -- Jean Shinoda Bolen, Joan Borysenko, Marion Woodman and others. This morning I listened to one segment as I lay resting in bed. It was Dawna Markova, Ph.D. telling about her many years of cancer survival and people's reactions, including her own. As I listened I felt understood, inspired, and well fed. It was like having my own little support group at my fingertips. I look forward to having this to listen to in the coming days which will probably include some rough times.

Thank you to all who sent me well wishes, thoughts, and prayers yesterday. I really appreciate it! Each time I go for chemo I take you with me in my heart and wear the healing necklace from LM, the bracelet from RM and group. I had nice visits from LM and my sister-in-law Kathy. It was good to have Dan with me all day. ...I had a few deep, completely out-of-it naps.

And now, to take my Prednisone ...get it over with for today.

I'm Done and I'm Surviving

I completed my chemo and am doing pretty well. I'm tired and feel a bit drugged -- the residue effects of the heavy-duty Benedryl dose. But I'm nausea free and headache free! The 2 different antinausea drugs they gave me today (one by I-V and the other orally), are attacking the nausea at both the brain and the stomach and they're working! I'm finding that especially when my brain is getting that message, "We don't have nausea," it really works.

Owl update: I got to see one of the fledglings and the mother screech owl perched in separate trees tonight. There are 4 or 5 little ones who have fledged and we think the last one fledged today so we'll have no more cute little faces peeking out of the nest box, at least until next year. The fledlings look very fuzzy and cuddly.

Chemo #4 --Today

I stayed in bed, avoiding, as long as I could. Now it's time to get ready and go for round 4. In 9 hours it should be over.