Where Did My Energy Go?

I got up this morning after a pretty good night's sleep thinking Dan and I would be able to do some fun stuff today. But almost immediately after rising, I felt the need to go back to bed and rest. No headache or nausea, thank goodness, just complete and utter exhaustion. I've developed some shortness of breath and a slight dry cough in the past few days. I hope they will subside by themselves or with a little help from my asthma inhaler.

I got a truly heartwarming and healing call from Hope today. Made me feel good all over. Wonderful to hear about her sitting on her porch overlooking the ocean and seeing and talking with Wendilee at the Memorial Day parade!

I am extremely grateful to have the tempurpedic bed that raises and lowers as needed for comfort. It helps a great deal. I napped, watched TV and read today, at last finishing Julie Powell's "Cleaving." She partially redeems herself by the end of the book. At this point I'm quite tired of reading about animal entrails and butchery. Time for a new book!

Tomorrow is will be very long workday filled with many clients back-to-back. I'm going to think positive thoughts and maybe take an extra blanket to warm me in the frigid office.

A Good Day

It has turned out to be a good day after all. In the morning I was able to get a little nap and then Dan and I went to the Crawfish Festival in Fredricksburg. We heard some cajun bands, ate some crawfish, then headed to Pedernales Falls. I love being by large rushing bodies of water. It was refreshing even though the water was warm to the touch. This evening we went to Central Market to watch the Salsa Dance Contest. There were 6 place-winners. We disagreed with the judges on most of their choices, but c'est la vie. ...Sure looks like a fun way to dance. I want to learn it!

Dan is watching the screech owl nest box right now. One of the little ones has been poking its head out every night for the past few nights but has yet to summon the courage to leave the nest. One or both parents have taken a bath in the birdbath every morning around 6:00 for the past 3 days. It's exciting and sweet and keeps us (Dan especially) glued to our binoculars.

Acceptance, Fear, and Dread

I woke up this morning around 4:45 a.m. with intrusive thoughts of my next chemo session. Slight headache and uneasy stomach too. How I would have preferred to remain in my earlier oblivous dreamless sleep state with no conscious awareness of my cancer or my bald head! ...But again, the Internet and my blog are comforting places to come. I know I need to complete my treatments, but it's getting increasingly difficult to use "healthy denial" to get through this. I know the side effects now and believe I will have them, I just don't know the extent to which I'll have them. I've been told by several people that the side effects get worse. Even LP, the nurse practitioner said that as time goes on and I do more treatments, I may need to take more time off work. I really HATE the idea of having to cancel client sessions with little notice. I've had to do it a few times and so far the result hasn't been too bad -- no clients have stopped treatment. But I'm used to being responsible and so my self-image gets shaken when I can't follow through on a work commitment. It's hard for me to accept this. I think I'd like to get to a place of accepting it, just holding on to the idea that yes, of course I'm a responsible person, and if I didn't have cancer and chemo, I'd be showing up for all my commitments.

One of the images that came to mind when I woke this morning was of having "my people," my loved ones holding my hands while I let the toxic chemicals drip into me next Thursday. In this image, my eyes are closed so I can rest, sleep, deny, dissociate. Another image is of having my dear ones hold me as I take each noxious Prednisone tablet, then sitting with me wordlessly, patiently, with acceptance and love as I will myself to keep the pills down, digest them so they can do their work.

Feeling Good

Today I'm feeling good. It's pretty outside and my work day should be short and manageable, with some fun recreation thrown in. Yesterday I hit a wall, lost my energy and came home sooner than I'd planned. It was Dan's and my 5th anniversary of meeting each other. (We both agree it seems longer!) We met exactly 5 years ago at Mirabelle, and that's where we went for dinner.

Yesterday I had a touching and helpful phone conversation with SF. We talked about her cancer and mine. She's now coming up on her 5th year of being a survivor. Hooray! When I called her, I was needing to hear another success story. She suffered a lot and almost lost her life. But now she's doing well. It helps me psychologically to know she went to the same branch of the Texas Oncology Center that I go to. She made it out alive! I'm holding on to that idea as something I can do too.

Doing Okay...but

Today I'm doing pretty well physically. I worked full days yesterday and the day before and I plan to work today. I realize I'm a little depressed. My life recently has focused so much on enduring the chemo, doing my best to tolerate and ride out the side effects, then going back to work -- I miss having more fun. I feel "out of the loop." I've had to miss various work-related activities and social events because I didn't feel well or didn't have the energy. I'm used to being involved with my community and I feel isolated. I miss my friends and the hustle-bustle of an active social life.

This past weekend for the first time in quite a while I felt like reading. I started "Cleaving," a memoir by Julie Powell, author of "Julie and Julia." About 120 pages into the book, I want to strangle her, almost wish I could get a refund for the book!

What I still want to, need to learn and keep focusing on is living in the moment, in the present.

"As human beings, we have a working basis within ourselves that allows us to uplift our state of existence and cheer up fully. That working basis is always available to us. " - CTR

Work and Optimism

I'm feeling better and plan to work a full day today. I think my body will be up for it.

A Little Zest for Life

It's around 6:30 a.m. and I just got the best night's sleep I've had in many days. Several hours of continuous sleep with none of the nightmares and headaches of the previous two nights. Yay! I feel I'm gradually rejoining the world of the living. In this moment I'm good!

This past week was particularly rough. I'd been fiercely holding onto my denial about how long I'd be knocked down by the chemo. After all, I'd taken almost an entire week off, that should be enough I told myself. But yesterday was very hard. I had only 3 clients scheduled throughout the day and that was plenty. My nausea was so persisitent that I came home after each client, took off my wig and work clothes, got back into my pajamas and into bed to rest and stave off the nausea for a while until it was time to put the wig and work clothes back on and drive back to the office. Very unpleasant.

During the last few days I felt so bad I couldn't do much blogging. I just wanted to be alone and get past this. (Because really, what can anyone do? We're all helpless in this.) As much as I feel better now, I still have a desire to record and document the difficult times. Whether it's for myself or others, I don't always know. Probably both. At times like yesterday, I felt scared - when in the midst of the nausea and headaches I don't know when it will end. During those times a part of me is thinking, frantically, "I don't know how much more of this I can take!" I know why people in intolerable situations want to and do dissociate. It's too much. And I know why people who have survived cancer "forget" aspects of the experience. The impulse to get away from it, far, far away -- by dissociation or forgetting -- is powerful and feels like the only sane thing to do.

Yesterday all I could eat was yogurt and small portions of chicken fried rice. Everything else was completely repulsive. Sweets and sugary foods are of the devil! LP, the nurse practitioner said only the first 3 days of nausea are due to the chemo; after that it's "heartburn." She said the chemo wreaks havoc with my entire digestive system. Apparently, as the chemo does its work, all fast-growing cells in my digestive tract (and elsewhere too) are killed. As these cells are sloughed off, acid forms. All I know is whether it's called "heartburn" or side effects of chemo, it FEELS like nausea and IS nausea. I did tell myself though, that eating would help, so I ate my portions of chicken fried rice, "willing myself" to neutralize the acid in my system. Today I believe I may be able to eat more normally.

I continue to feel uplifted by phone calls and emails from SWB, HB, BD, EAK, MI, TB, and others. Thank you! It makes a difference!

Today I'm really hoping Dan and I will get to Boggy Creek Farm to see the chickens and, if we're lucky, get some eggs! I love it there.