Can't Sleep

My first time on the computer today. I've been thoroughly fatigued and spent the day resting. Tonight I drifted off, then when Dan came to bed I woke up and haven't been able to get back to sleep. I feel some self-imposed pressure to "be well" tomorrow to see a client and run my group. I want to be asleep right now but it's impossible to find a position to lie in that's comfortable for more than a moment. My head is hot, then cold, then hot again; my body the same. I put on my fuzzy hat, take it off, put it on again -- all in a matter of seconds. My head was aching slightly -- not horribly but enough to keep me awake. I change positions constantly, forever seeking a position I can tolerate.

Here now, alert and typing, I feel a bit better. Maybe it's feeling connected with the other people accompanying me on this journey that helps, knowing that this entry will be read by someone who cares about me or understands this experience. And maybe it's actively choosing to do something that engages my mind, heart, and body -- instead of passively allowing my body's idiosyncratic pains, discomforts, and hellish concerns to define my status. I still have some choices in all this. Once again, my blog is a friend and a connection to the bigger world.

I do believe I will get back to sleep. Until then, meditating is good. My fellow meditators help keep me on this path.

An exercise I like do to and would often do even before the cancer is "Five Things I'm Grateful For." Here they are right now:
1) That my headache is better.
2) That I have EZ and RR in my life.
3) That I have friends and family who care about me.
4) The quietness of this still night.
5) That I have a private room in which to meditate.