My Media "Cancer Friends"

Last night I stayed up late watching several old episodes of "Sex and the City." I had specifically wanted to watch the shows where Samantha is dealing with breast cancer. My friend CM had recently reminded me of the episode where Samantha's boyfriend at the time, Smith, shaves his head in solidarity with her. I had forgotten all about that even though I'd watched and enjoyed the series years ago. CM had been touched by Smith's overture and it was her emotional response that made me want to go back and revisit Samantha's cancer. It has new meaning for me now -- would she cry? Be angry? Crabby or wickedly funny?

I felt joined when I watched the episodes. It was affirming to me to see Samantha in the infusion room with her friends, sitting in the recliner as red liquid dripped into her vein. I too have a red chemical that goes in, followed by a few bags of clear stuff. And as for the head shave -- for those moments, watching the show, I had a "friend" who understood. Samantha began shaving her own head when her hair started falling out. And Smith jumped right in, grabbed the razor and shaved off his own long locks. ...Dan has offered to shave his head, but I don't know that I really want him to. I like his hair and as much as I'm touched by his offer, I don't know if I need that to make me feel supported by him. He does so many other things that make me feel loved and cared for. When I got my head shaved he repeatedly said how beautiful I looked, even with my bare head. That made me feel wonderful. I believed him -- and I felt beautiful in his eyes and my own.

Now it's different. The bald spots on my scalp don't feel beautiful. Sometimes they're items of curiosity -- like the hole your tongue keeps exploring after a tooth is pulled; sometimes they're a bit scarey.

A few days ago John Kelso wrote about his cancer in his column in the American-Statesman. It's been about a year since he was diagnosed with cancer. He went through 6 weeks of radiation and now is cancer-free and doing well. I'm so glad! When he wrote about how he would feel like hell for long stretches, getting only momentary relief when he would write his column, I could really understand. When I'm feeling utterly awful, I'm heartened when I can write my blog, share my experiences, and feel connected with my friends and family who come to these pages. Carry on, John Kelso! You're a survivor and I want to join you in that club!