My Two Worlds

I live in two worlds now -- my survival world and my workaday world. The first is truly that, all about survival. It involves the cancer, the chemo treatments and the aftermath. The second world is the one I navigate when I put on my wig, leave the house and go about making a living, participating in society, passing for "normal." For the past 3 1/2 days I've been living in the first world, consumed by doing whatever it takes to stay alive. I didn't know the nausea would be so thoroughly incapacitating. I now believe that unless someone has been through the seemingly endless experience of hour upon hour of nausea, they just won't get it. And why would they want to???? It's a feeling of "IWILLDOANYTHINGTOSTOPTHENAUSEA!!"

I had phone conversations today with two dear friends, BB and JS. I wanted to talk with them about what their wives had done to combat nausea when they had cancer. I was comforted and encouraged by what I learned. There is hope.

Later this evening GC phoned. In the midst of our call I felt a wave of fear about my cancer, about my status and the unknown. (I had a stomach ache today, does that mean I'm creating more cancer in my stomach?) I began sobbing, wanting to connect with him, wanting him to know my fear even though there was nothing he or I could do but ride it out. I mentioned that our family had a way of rushing in quickly to "put a cherry on bad news." I felt a sense of urgency and told him of my need right then for him to just let the bad news be bad news for a while -- and to endure it with me. ...He did. And I am grateful.

It felt so satisfying to connect with BB. His sanity and groundedness soothed me and allowed me to feel trusting of my own instincts again. As my one of my first bosses ever and my first meditation instructor, he has been a pillar in my life throughout the years. Our contacts may be infrequent, but the mutual warmth and caring are there. Later I meditated, felt better. I am re-reading bits and pieces of "Shambhala: The Sacred Path of the Warrior." May as well go back to the basics.

The statement I hold most dear today is: "We have to accept personal responsibility for uplifting our lives." (Chogyam Trungpa)